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Archive for June, 2010

Letter to Hope

(taking up space while I sort some shit IRL out…)

Dear Hope,

You keep eluding me, and leaving me. I expect you to follow through, but you don’t keep your end of the bargain. I’m giving you one last chance. Honestly, I don’t know why. After all we’ve been through, I should just turn my back on you. You masquerade under the guise of optimism and sunny thoughts. You entice your victims with promises of things that don’t come true. You paint a picture of the world as you say it could be… but reality says different.

I’m tired and hurt. You raise me up and brush me off, promising that things will get better, only to disappear when bumps come up in the road and I end up with more than just a scraped knee.

I don’t know why I come back. You’re abusive, cruel, and heartless. You take joy in watching others fall, and work some spell over them to keep them coming back. I couldn’t tell you what you gain from it, I just know you do it over and over.

We’ve had too many falling outs. I don’t know why I come back. I should leave you, hope, forever. I’ve been trying to leave you, actually. I know that you’re going to cheat on me again, and everything will crash down. Maybe things will bump up for awhile, but you’ll be laughing knowingly all the while, waiting for things to turn downhill again. I’ve had it, honestly, but I can’t help but come back.

If you were anyone else, others would tell me it was an unhealthy relationship and to get out as quickly as possible. I don’t know what you’ve done, but because it’s you, the rules don’t apply. It’s okay to keep going back and falling down and getting hurt, all in the name of hope.

Well, I hope you’re happy now. You’ve got one more conquest who’s desperate enough to try and find something to cling to. I have no trust, no faith, no reason to go on. And yet you float in the background, beckoning me with empty promises.

But I’m gonna give you another chance. And though I don’t deserve it, ’cause I know I’ve treated you just as poorly as you’ve treated me… please, could things work out this time? Just a little? I’m putting myself out for you, hope… can’t you give a little for me? I have nowhere else to turn… so, at the least… make the highs last a little longer, or be a little higher, before the lows settle in? Just this once?

’cause in the end, you might be abusive, you might lie and cheat and break me down right after you’ve built me up, but in the end, you’ll still take me back. Everytime. So in a way, I can still count on you. And maybe the pain will be worth it someday…

Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before.

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