I don’t miss going to church. I don’t miss the worrying about whether or not I’m sinning. I don’t miss the prostrations, confession, communion, etc. I don’t miss the expectations, the vigils, the long prayers, the headcoverings. I don’t miss believing in a god.
I do miss the meditation and relaxation that prayer provided. I miss the comfort of moving beads through my fingers, and letting go of my worries. I miss the incense and the candles. I miss the soft music the chants provided. I miss those sensations, and the feeling that I didn’t have to worry and obsess anymore.
Does that mean I want to go back to church? It most certainly does not. I wouldn’t trade the freedom I have right now for anything. I’m no longer being held to some standard of perfection, or worrying whether I will be good enough to please some supernatural entity.
I’ve thought about looking into meditation stuff, but I feel a little lost at where to start. And, while I don’t currently hold any specific beliefs, I do want to respect the beliefs of others, and don’t want to treat this lightly and randomly pull from what makes me feel good, without actually understanding it. Basically, I have some research cut out for me. Maybe I should go light some incense…